Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Me me me

Hey its been awhile after the last post. And yeay! Here I am still typing out and trying to update the whole thing about it. Where and how to start after all these and that happened? OK let start!

1) HIM. He came and went off. Hey, in a good way ok? He went off for FREAKING six months for the Police training. Blergh. We don't even say bye bye to each other. I was in Singapore when the day he off for the training. BUT! What happened is he still contact me whenever he is free. I supposed. I don't know who else that he called but still. He remembered me! HAHA. So far, me and him just fine. I did found out who is he calling around for the last month and yet until now. Don't ask where and how I found out. I just knew and I have TRUSTED sources that I depends on. Still. Nothing much between us and the stories. He is that far. Hoping much on HIM? Yes, maybe. I don't know what to think and how long I can wait for this to be happen. I mean the HAPPY and LOVE moments. Who knows. Maybe it won't come at all. I just can go with the flow. Missing him so much, YES I AM. But I know he is not. HAHA. 

Crossing fingers every single day for him to call me as he is the only person can bring my real smile other than family and close friends around. For those who told me that I am that desperate, it is so much to be shown rather than you ask me, WHY? PROMISES ARE TO BE HOLD. That is what keeps me going with this never end LOVE story. 90% of them will tell me that he is playing around with me. I don't have any answer neither do arguments because sometimes I did thought about it too. I just don't have any fixed answer WHY I keep waiting and hoping for this fat man. Blergh. Explanation is so needed from him for me to stop all this. Even it's good or bad, I have to have the answer to move on. I'm standing still because he asked me to. But he don't show like one for me either. 

Dear Everyone, Please help me get the answers IF you can! 

2) Hey MR! That is you! I can't never end up with NEW guys around is it? I did not asked these people to come around. Speaking like I am that famous yet pretty is it? I AM NOT. Anyone that reading this and know me, I know you are swearing me at this moment. Yet, me myself don't really know why this type of people named men came into my life when I don't have one. ALHAMDULILLAH. I still have my friends and closed friends around. Back to this MR story. He came and asked if he can help me to forget the other man. As a friend and yet my junior to be exact, I just said OK because nothing more than friend. It is always start as a friend and see what happened after few weeks. Something else happened. I like him and so did him. We had started to be with each other for now. No official DATES for us and that makes me and him in such of way. We just get to know each other. It's been a month plus for both of us. He did make me happy in his own way. But at the same time he still searching where is his place in my heart. Still could not find one. True, because I don't know either where he stand in my life. He is sweet, family man and never turned back towards me. Still, I can't give any words that saying that he could take EX place and replace with him. Too hard to be as easy as anyone would say it. 

WHY? This is all because I'm yet to know what my CINTA would do for us after his training. That words he said to me make me attached and hold on to it. I know this sounds so desperate but nothing wrong by waiting right? Not really believing but seeing him told me, I literally believed in what he promised. In the other hand, *sounds so essay*,, I had accidentally get "attached" by this MR. He promised the earth to me, if you know what I mean. Even this is UNOFFICIAL relationship, we had went out together and doing things together. He did want to make me the special one even I do look like one now, but by I keep refusing for all of the times. I know he get what I mean. I just don't and cannot be one. Every single steps that I had made nowadays are all related to CINTA. Only HIM. People might called me too much and yes, I admit. But can anyone just understand me for this time and let me think and do what I love to now? If he do come back, I will definitely share it with the whole world. But if he don't, I will always pray for his happiness. My true love I suppose that had made me in such. 

Right at this moment all that I can think of is to be with him by the end of the day. But what if he don't want me at all in his future life? That will be the most scariest thing that will ever happen. Worst if he say it in front of me by himself. Darn. See. I cannot ever think of what will happen next in my life. *OBVIOUSLY*. But I can't even plan it either. I can't make my very own decisions. After all this while, this is my BIGGEST WEAKNESS. Decision making in my own life is not me. I'd rather follow others or make it the simplest way that I can. That's why I can't reject anyone that came into my life. I love to see others happy before me. I don't want to hurt anybody feeling. It's just me. That's why most of the time by the end of the day I will get hurt and I will cry. I get used to people backstabbing one another. I happened to me and I had learned so much about it. Yet, I still did not change because I scared will hurt people that I love later.

Too much of this and that is it? HAHA. I'm writing because this is what I feel and I did not want this to end. Where else can I wrote this down other than diary and here? Bet if this just handwriting, I would not write this much! Don't even bare to read it because it is not that interesting. *Yet still telling*. 

Conclusion, *should I?* I will rather stop and move on or wait till the day comes? Allah knows better. Anyway, something did happened yesterday and that shall answers all.